Okay, this is for Jen's curiosity! At the General Women's Conference last weekend I had a blast getting caught up with people but something bothered me and I was a little taken aback by it. I don't know if I can give the correct words to it but I'll try. I have 5 kids right? Right. My oldest is about to be 9 and my youngest is 5 1/2 months. So 5 kids in under 9 years. I don't think that's bad. They are all almost 2 years apart, a couple even over that. Who cares if they weren't though. Anyway. I can't even tell you how many people asked me how many kids I had and said every time they see me I have a baby or am expecting one. Well, that's probably true since I only see them at Stake conference. That in and of itself doesn't bother me. I am proud of my kids- very proud- they are wonderful!! The thing I don't like is the comments that I'm sure I don't know what to do with. The ones that are self-depreciating to the person who says the comment and makes it sound like I've done some glorious thing that is somehow above them.
"How many kids do you have now?"
"This is my 5th"
"wow, good for you, I could never do that!"
or
"wow! I could never do that, have a couple for me okay?"
What do you say to that? I certainly didn't know. It got so annoying and frustrating that I finally asked another mom who had 5 (I really didn't think that was considered a LOT of kids in an LDS community but I guess it is now) about it. She said she knew what I mean and just avoids talking about how many kids she has. Another mom said the same thing. I have never been bothered by comments about the number of kids I have but it seems like people lose all tact at 5 because I rarely got this many weird comments with 4 kids. Normally is would just be a conrats on your baby or something similar but I didn't get ANY of those. It was really strange. It wasn't just a few people. Almost every person that I was trying to catch up with ended up like that. I don't have kids to win some kind of contest or to be the most awesome mom ever or because that's what I think good LDS moms do. I have them because so far, each child was meant to come to me. I wouldn't have had this many children if I didn't know by sure inspiration that each one was supposed to come to us at that time. I'm under the assumption that everyone else is using those guidelines and would never look down on someone for having fewer children. Not everyone is given the same lot in life. We all have different trials and we are all going to have different families. It was just a new thing for me that I guess I'll have to get used to. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
The "Other" Post
Posted by Lena at 7:20 AM
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10 comments:
hi lena:
if you and your family are happy with your decision and blessings, it does not matter what anybody else thinks and says. you don't have to win any approval contest. just keep doing what you are doing, being sweet and kind ... you know, the kind of person who makes this world a little bit brighter and nicer to be in because you are here also. some people don't even think before they said these outrageous things. if you want to comment back, that is up to you. i like how ann landers would say something like, "and why do you need to know that?" or "and why would you say that?" or "what would make you say that?" you get the idea.
you are awesome, so don't sweat it :) kathleen
Ooo! I love the "and why do you need to know that?" retort. Seems lately everywhere I go people are asking if I'm going to have any more children, or when they find out I have 5, they ask "and are you done?" Total strangers. I'm like, who are you to ask me that and WHY should I feel I have to justify!! I love Kathleen's comment. ERGH. So annoying. Lena, hang in there.
There does need to be some gentle but pointed, put-them-in-their-place reply though, because it gets ridiculous.
Funny you posted about it because just last week I was thinking I needed to come up with some answer for this Q I keep getting asked. Some people will never understand, and we don't have to feel responsible to make them, or to satisfy their Q's.
Lena there is one response about the Are you done yet... I cant remember it word for word someone used to use it. Its something along the lines of Oh wow I just thought I was destined to have as many as Heavenly Father said and that he loved me a lot to trust me with so many of his sweet spirits...
As for the how many...
Oh I have 5 wonderful children who give my life so much more than I knew they could... and you? Wow I dont know how you do it I would be _____ (fill in the blank)... Me I would say bored but hey thats me!)
I kind of know what you mean Lena. But I'm on the opposite end. I only have one child, and that in and of itself is a miracle and blessing in one. I always get asked,'so when are you going to have another', usually I just answer 'I'm not', some get nosy and ask why, I just tell them I almost didn't have the one I do, so the doctors told me not to do that again.
Truthfully though, its really no ones business but your own, they don't need to know the reasons behind your actions. All children are a blessing, whether one or five or more.
Look I finally got a blog! There is a link on my blog to another one called "Because I Said So." It's the blog of a mother of 6 and it's very funny, I think you would like it.
And, I hope I didn't say anything rude when I saw you the other night... You are very sweet and kind and I think you must do a fabulous job with your kids.
I also like the "and why do you need to know that?" comment.
Thanks everyone!
Hey Julie- no, you didn't bug me. I really enjoyed catching up with you.
I guess I should clarify that I don't mind talking about why I have these kids and if it's hard or easy with them. It's just those odd comments from people who don't actually care why I do things ya know? Maybe they just don't know what to say to me. Who knows! I can't bring myself to say something rude. Honestly I was just really flabergasted because that was the first time I'd ever encountered that. Julie- I'm going to check out your blog tonight. I read that woman's blog that you mentioned once in a while- too funny. Your boys would have loved the birthday cake I made for Eric in June. You can see pictures of it if you click on the June archives.
Sorry I'm late on this! I bet you won't even read it. Anyway, had to comment since I have 5 and my eldest is only 7. Our here in Utah I mostly get admiring or empathizing comments. Admiring for my peers and empathetic comments from the elders. It seems like the majority of older Utah couples had large families with their children close together. Those old couples always look happily on my children and root me on. If they know children are a great experience, then I'm certain they are.
Christine
Lena, you make me smile. This question is exactly what I was hoping I would find when I started a blog. A deep conversation between women I can relate to. mabunny, julie, lena,christineka, because I said so, life ticks on, and jen. You rocked my world today. THANKS FOR YOUR THOUGHTS. Let me follow it up with my thought.
When a person responds saying "how many" and "good for you." They feel like they could never have that many kids and feel tried even thinking about it. I think they feel a lack of ability and mock themselves. Similar to saying "you are so skinny, I could never fit into that dress." After the skinny comment is said to me I feel bad for being skinny. When that is not her intent at all.
Also as a person that always says the wrong thing at the wrong time. When I ask "why" it is because I find that person knowledgeable. I truly want to improve my life or find a better way of looking at my kids. Kids are hard, yes I have three boys plus a teenage girl.
Some days I need a Lena to remind me how wonderful they are.
Love you all. Somebody come up with another debatable question and lets discuss. I loved hearing everyone's comment.
Yes, I think you are right Crystalyn. That's why I would probably never say any mean retort back to those kinds of comments. Now to the downright rude ones (haven't gotten those thank heavens, I hope I have the strength to turn the other cheek.) Join us at Pancakes and Pinesol for other great discussions Crys- and anyone else! If you want the web address I can email it out to anyone- or maybe I'll do a post about it- I'll have to ask Jen about that.
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